Friederica of Vienwray, 8x10 inches. No bio as of yet because I'm too lazy to think of something, maybe never, but that's okay....
Friederica of Vienwray, 8x10 inches. No bio as of yet because I'm too lazy to think of something, maybe never, but that's okay....
At 3:00am September 5, 2008- after spending over 7 hours in the Rockyview Hospital ER waiting area, our worst fears were confirmed.
Ange was 11 weeks pregnant this week- but last week she began showing symptoms of miscarrying. Thursday night it was confirmed- it was over. But it didn't end there.
Friday afternoon we went for an Ultrasound to ensure that all of the fetus had left the uterus- but it wasn't, apparently. We returned the the ER where we continued to wait another 3 hours before seeing a doctor for further examination. But it didn't end there either. I became irate. The stress of the situation- knowing the pregnancy was over, but that the miscarriage was not- put me into a mood where I was ready to punch walls, or worse, anyone else who so much as looked at me the wrong way, or said the wrong thing. Not even 12 hours previously, we were told our baby was gone, and the pregnancy was over- and I felt that someone, anyone, had to pay the price- especially for making us wait in a goddamn waiting room. All we wanted was to go home so we could begin to mourn our loss.
But the miscarriage wasn't complete- and during the second examination, they saw that the cervix was still closed, so performing a D&C (DNC?) was out of the question as they could damage the cervix, and then we would never have the opportunity to have children of our own ever again. They sent us home, telling us we had to, essentially, let 'nature take it's course'.
Friday night was horrible. We sat around the apartment, passing time playing video games- or at least attempting to, as neither of us had any motivation to do very much of anything. We were emotionally beat-up, and the fact of knowing it wasn't over- and that we would still have to return to the ER, only to sit and wait for several more hours before being examined, was one of the worst things I've ever felt.
I stayed up late Friday night. Mostly so I could keep an eye on Ange, and partially to give myself time to be alone with my thoughts. Around 3:00am I finally went to bed- unable to keep my eyes open any longer.
An hour later, Ange woke me up. She was bleeding profusely and passing tissue. The miscarriage had finally, officially, begun. After a mere hour of sleep, we headed back to the Emergency Room. As I sat up in bed and started to get dressed, I began to shake- uncontrollably -from the anxiety and stress of the situation. My teeth chattered as if it was the dead of winter. It was a feeling of panic and anxiety unlike anything I have ever felt before.
Upon arriving, we were stunned to see the ER completely empty. On our previous 2 visits, there were no fewer than a dozen people in the waiting room, many of which had been there for several hours. Not this time. It was like the stage was set for us to arrive. That didn't mean things went quicker. After another 2-3 hour wait, Ange was finally admitted and taken into the ER. I was told to wait in the waiting area- where I found a large reclining chair- and attempted to get some rest. Another 2-3 hours passed, and I was finally called into the ER.
It was over. For good this time.
We felt all the tension and stress lifted from our shoulders- and now we could finally begin to come to grips with the reality of what we had experienced over the course of the past 3 days. But the emotional rollercoaster had only just begun it's trip. Because this day, Saturday September 6th- was also the 11th anniversary of my Mom's death to Breast Cancer. To make matters worse- Ange had received news earlier in the week that her 91-year-old Grandmother had passed away in Montreal. Both our parents were out of town- mine at the cabin in the mountains, hers on an Alaskan cruise. In a way, however, it was for the best as this was our battle to fight through- and in fighting it alone, together, we have both learned volumes about ourselves, and our relationship. Out of this, we have become stronger as a couple.
We deliberately kept things tight-lipped about the pregnancy (well, at-least online and in public) because Ange was considered 'high-risk' from the get-go, only having had surgery on her uterus mere months ago- and becoming pregnant a mere month and a half after that.
We discovered we were pregnant back on July 13th- and we were both extremely excited. That night, I sat outside on the balcony, and wrote a private post on Vox titled 'Gonna Be A Daddy'- with the expectation that I'd open it up publicly once we officially announced the pregnancy. We certainly never dreamed we would be announcing it like this. But, then, it seemed like everything in life was falling into place. I saw the 'signs' all around me- and had for several months before- and after. Life had an air of excitement and anticipation. But it wasn't to be, apparently.
Despite only being pregnant 11 weeks- we had already formed a bond with our baby. We had even begun to buy some items for her (we were convinced it was going to be a girl)- and I made a special point of picking out something very special for her, as a special gift from 'Daddy'. It's debatable whether that was the right thing to do or not- but all the signs of life around me pointed to the reality that this was our destiny- that this child was meant to happen, and it was meant to happen now, under these conditions. Now, I find myself questioning so much of what I believe in- so much of everything that I have come to understand about how life in this 'place', this 'reality', actually works. The signs were, and are very real- dates, numbers, even colors- but I can't help but feel betrayed, deceived, and cheated by them for leading me down a false path. I have always been a very superstitious person, and believe that everything happens for a reason- but I'm left to wonder what is the meaning in this? How is it that something I knew and felt with every fibre of my existance as being right, and a sure thing- leaving me to pick up the pieces after shattering everything I've worked so hard to understand and believe in?
What forces are at work that dangle one thing in front of me, only to yank it away and leave me with nothing? The dark-side always lingers- always.
This weekend has been nothing short of a nightmare from almost every perspective. I try and cling to the positive that we can see coming out of this- and I suppose that's a huge plus unto itself- that we can see positives come from this. But it doesn't make the emotional toil any easier to deal with. But I've been down this road before 11 years ago- albeit under different circumstances. In many ways, this experience has been far more excruciating than dealing with the loss of a parent, especially a Mother, at an early age- but there is at least an opportunity to move on and to try again. I am thankful that this happened at 11 weeks- and not week 35, or after the baby was born. If this is how it feels to lose a child at 11 weeks of pregnancy- losing it later in pregnancy, or after birth, would be a crushing blow. My heart truly goes out to parents who have suffered such a loss.
I'm so thankful that we have such wonderful friends and family to help us during this difficult time. A mere week ago we all celebrated together for my 30th birthday- and now a week later, what a vastly different bag of emotions we're dealing with. That's how fast life changes- it waits for no one, and changes without warning. For my first week of my 30's, it has truly been a 'Hell Week'.
To our precious 'Bun Bun'- both Mommy and Daddy Love you very very much. We understand this isn't your time yet to join us- and that you are giving us the time we need to prepare for you and get our business in order. I promise you, little one- we'll make it good. xoxoxo
Sto scrivendo da un internet point (dovrei trovare un tag specifico per i post da internet point). Ieri mi è stato fatto un complimento: sono un maschio multitasking. In realtà questo maschio che farebbe così tante cose sta cercando non tanto di semplificare, quanto di accorpare in pochi grandi contenitori interconnessi tutti i suoi interessi e i loro quantomai variabili percorsi di contatto con chi lo circonda, vicino e meno vicino, lontano e lontanissimo.
Insomma, io che scrivo qui, qui e qui e anche qui - e in tutte le cose che vedete nella barra qui alla vostra sinistra - vorrebbe da ora essere un tantino più Zen, e scrivere in primis qui nel mio adoratissimo VOX blog.
Insomma. Mi trovate qui. Di più.
Best Friends available here and here as a print
Well Tropical storm Hanna didn't really affect us here in Halifax last night. I was looking forward to snuggling in bed as the wind and rain howled outside. Didn't happen. Bit of rain and negligent wind. Actually I just looked at the Wunderground map and Hanna is supposed to cross Nova Scotia around 2pm this afternoon. It is warm and humid right now and funnily enough, the wind has just started to blow. The trees outside my window are all waving about and bouncing up and down. September is generally a beautiful month here and the next week is supposed to be it's usual sunny self.
Hurricane Ike is frightening. It hit Turks and Caicos as a cat 4 storm. and is barreling towards Cuba and the Florida Keys. Weather fascinates me. Solar weather and earthbound . I often tune in to the weather channel, love Chris St. Clair :) He has such a friendly persona.
Today will be a day of list making, designing and creating with a bit of housework and cooking thrown in. I'd love to make a trip to the library and Staples but I am not sure if that will happen. I still tire easily although I have been getting out for a ten minute walk every day. Sounds pathetic but ten minutes is all I can manage after my illness. It really took it out of me. I am up to about 12 mins now and next week will up that. A bit at a time.
Any book suggestions? I am running low.
]]>
Well, the rain has started. Not the big stuff, Hanna arrives tonight around midnight I think. Batten down the hatches.
This is one of my pictures from Alberta. I have just started going through them today. It is so easy to take a bazillion pictures with a digital camera that you do it and forget that when you get home, you have to go through them! This was taken at a wonderful bird sanctuary which I will write about in another post.
I made the tomato soup from my last post and it is good. I used less fat and replaced most of the butter with olive oil and used two tablespoons of Becel to replace the butter. I also used the organic chicken broth in a box you can get from Superstore and did not add any extra salt. The soup has a lovely light fresh tomato taste. I topped it with a bit of parmesan. Would be good with dill added, or basil. I will make it again.
]]>Show us your last ticket stub.
Tiesto @ FlamesCentral for my 30th Birthday last Thursday night.
When
I paint, I have the TV on sometimes as company. I listen more than
watch but it is a nice distraction. Sometimes I listen to CBC sometimes
music. The other day, Martha Stewart was on and she made a tomato soup
that I want to try. It is simple and by all accounts delicious. I am
posting it here so I can find it:)
Martha's Tomato Soup
Makes 6 cups
Tropical storm Hanna is headed this way. Sunday will be a rainy gusty day. Ike looks to be quite a scary hurricane . Category 4!
Well, our car died yesterday:(
It was overheating just as I pulled into the parking lot of the Motor Vehicle Licensing place.
Ironically,
I was there to renew the permit . After my hour wait in the building,
the van had cooled down so drove with the heater on full blast to
dissipate the heat, to our local garage. The heat pump needs to be
replaced, but safety inspection is next month and the car needs too
much work to make it worth while. While on the hoist the mechanic had
looked it over. Sigh. We've already put a LOT of money into it this
year. Time to bite the bullet.
I am thinking of a second hand Toyota Corrolla. It will save on gas, that's for sure. Any suggestions?
I am jangled. There's always something isn't there.
I've got a pot of veggie soup on the stove and a painting in the works so that will calm me down and get me centered.
Hayley started Dalhousie today! Her first class is Psychology and then Biology. Tomorrow are her Theatre classes and a French class.
Remember I mentioned that some of my work was headed to a pediatric unit in Missouri? Here is a link to Tiernan Design, she posted some pictures of them.
]]>Made it official today- after the great set Tiesto put on at FlamesCentral last week, we've decided to up-it a little and get booth seats for Paul Van Dyk at FlamesCentral October 26th.
So what? I turn 30 and suddenly I'm becoming a raver? LOL!
No posting for a bit as I'm going to Hell until Sunday. Quite literally!
yep.
